015: From Resistant to Receptive: One Simple Step to Unlocking Open-Minded Conversations with the Stubborn
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Show Notes
Getting a stubborn person to change their mind or even consider an alternative perspective can be a challenge... until now! Learn how one simple question — paired with commitment bias — can transform resistant attitudes into receptive conversations. This approach sets a positive, non-confrontational tone, making it easier to discuss challenging topics without feeling defensive or offended. Whether you're dealing with a stubborn family member, friend, or colleague (or are the stubborn one yourself) these insights will help you foster more open, constructive, and engaging conversations around topics you disagree over.
Key Points:
Lauren shares the story that inspired this episode: how SHE was the stubborn one and needed to be more open-minded with a decision related to their kitchen remodel
The key question to ask first: "Are you willing to be open-minded?"
Most people want to be seen as open-minded and will likely agree to hear the other person’s perspective or argument
This simple question helps set a positive, non-confrontational tone that reduces defensiveness
Once someone commits to being open-minded, they are more likely to actually be open-minded thanks to commitment bias
This method avoids confrontation and encourages genuine listening
Application in various scenarios:
This technique can be applied to discussions on controversial topics such as politics, climate change, or personal decisions
It's about planting seeds and encouraging further research and reflection — not manipulation
As Christians, these principles can also be used to introduce the idea of God and biblical truths to those who are resistant
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Show notes: www.anchoreddecisions.com/15
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Transcript
Hey friends! Today's episode will be short and sweet because I don't have a ton of content on this topic, but it's something that came up in my personal life and I wanted to share it with you all. And this is the concept of helping a stubborn person change their mind using just a little bit of psychology.
So get ready to get nerdy with me.
Intro: Welcome to the Anchored Decision Show. I'm your host, Lauren Black, the world's biggest overthinker turned decision coach, all by the grace of God. Now I'm on a mission to help you make easier decisions, discover God's will, and live with purpose. Tune in weekly to hear real life decision stories, expert insights, and faith based strategies to help you navigate your decisions with confidence. So ditch your pros and cons list and learn to make better decisions without asking your mom or losing another night of sleep. Let's go.
All right. So are you ready to hear the funny ish story of how I came onto this topic of helping a stubborn person change their decisions. And that is because it's me. I am the stubborn person and my husband is the one who wanted me to change my decision. And I had to give him a little advice on, okay, if you want me to change my mind, here's how to go about it. So backstory: as you know, we're working on our home renovation. If you want to hear the episode all about how to make interior design decisions for your home, then go listen to that. It was episode 11 about building your dream home: Steps to discovering your style, choosing your aesthetics, envisioning your design so you can build a house that you love.
So we're working on our home remodel, and there are certain things that I have told the kitchen remodel people that are helping us design our kitchen that "no, that's a non-negotiable for me. I am set. That is exactly what I want. I'm not changing my mind on this." Until my husband starts playing round in the design software, coming up with other ideas and hoping that I'll change my mind once I see it.
I finally, on one thing, the vent hood, I was very, very set on a vent hood that was squared off on the sides. That the cabinets would run into it because a lot of times those angled vent hoods that come in kind of triangular and then go up, those ones just leave a little bit of awkward space on the right and the left in that section that it comes inward outside the cabinet. And not connected to the cabinet. But most of the time, that's for houses that have a lower ceiling height. And so the cabinets go all the way up to the ceiling and the vent hood goes up to the ceiling. And for us, we have really, really tall ceilings. It would look ridiculous to bring the cabinets all the way up to the ceiling. And so then it also leaves this weird gap of like, okay, now if we have event hood that jets in and that doesn't connect on the right and left to the cabinets, where do we end the backsplash? So I always wanted a squared off vent hood. And I was very, very set on, actually correction, I am still very, very set on a pretty vent hood. I think it makes the kitchen just feel so much more homey, and luxurious and custom. So I don't want my microwave as my vent hood, and I want a pretty vent hood. So my husband was designing it and he, he wanted the more angled in vent hood rather than a squared-off vent hood. I hope this is all making sense. If not, I'll send you a, a picture of what I'm talking about. Just follow me on Instagram.
So Josh wanted me to change my mind and to go with what he was designing. And after looking at it long enough and playing around with a little bit, I wanted to add some open shelves that connected the vent hood to the cabinets so at least there wasn't just this awkward gap, there was a purpose there. And I was like, you know what, now that I see this, now I don't want to go back to the squared-off vent hood. And Josh was like, "you know, sometimes you're just a little too stubborn and set in your way and not willing to open up to other ideas." And I had to agree with him. Because, yes, I am often too set in my ways.
So here's a little nerdy psychology tip for you, of if you want to help someone stubborn, like myself, to be more open-minded and to consider other things and perspectives, here's how. And I had to tell this to Josh and now I'm like, oh, now he's going to probably use it on me. Which is okay, because I need to break down my stubbornness sometimes. I come from a family of very stubborn people. And if you've ever met my dad, sorry, dad, if you're listening, but you know, you are very stubborn. So, it's not just me.
So here's the first thing you have to do, is you have to ask, "Are you willing to be open-minded?" Before you even bring up the topic or introduce what you're going to talk about and what you want them to be open-minded about, just ask them, "are you willing to be open-minded about this?" And 99% of the time most people will say "yes, of course". Because who wants to admit that they're that stubborn that they're not even willing to consider someone else's perspective, point of view, opinion? Everybody wants to be open-minded in other people's eyes. It's just that we often are not.
That's like, the only person that admits to this is my three-year-old who I'll often say, “Do you want a treat for eating your dinner?" "Nope." He doesn't care. That is not a good enough bribe to get him to eat his dinner. Or "who's going to be a good listener tonight?" "Not me." So, if you were to ask him, "are you willing to be open-minded?" 99% chance he'll say, "not me." But as an adult, and as someone who wants to get along with others and wants to be seen in a good light, yes, I am willing to say, “Of course I'm open to be an open-minded.” So that's step one.
So now, there's a thing called commitment bias. Also known as consistency bias. And this is essentially where you commit to something, either an idea, a stance, a decision, and because of that earlier commitment, you are more likely to stick with it to maintain that consistency because you don't want to be seen as someone who's flaky, changed their mind, constantly flip-flopping. So, you're more likely to stick with something, to maintain it in the eyes of others, then to change.
So if you have already committed to being open-minded or if the person you're talking to has already committed to being open-minded, they have a much better chance at staying open-minded. Rather than just approaching them and saying, "Hey, what do you think of this?" "Hey, I think you might be off there," or "Hey, can you consider my opinion" if you come at it just like that, a lot of times people put the guard rails up just for the sake of standing their ground. And they might not even fully disagree with you, but they want their way so bad that they're willing to disagree with you. So, for someone who is stubborn, ask them first, "Are you willing to be open-minded?" Then you can present your case and they will be more open-minded.
The other thing with approaching someone that you want to somewhat change their mind with this attitude of, "Hey, are you willing to be open-minded," when you approach them with that first, it sets a positive, non-confrontational tone. So you're not saying, "Hey, I think you're wrong". You're not pointing fingers. You're just asking a question that gets them to be receptive, to get them to open up a bit and be willing to look at a different perspective. You're inviting them into that openness and flexibility.
So let's walk through another hypothetical scenario of this in action. So imagine you're having a talk with a friend who holds a very strong opinion on maybe a controversial topic, something political, something related to climate change or gender equality or whatnot. Your goal isn't to immediately overturn their belief, because how often does that actually happen?
Like you see these politicians that go out there. My husband used to listen to Louder with Crowder a lot and watch his YouTube videos. And he sets up a booth and says, "Try to change my mind." And does anyone end up changing their mind on that show? No. It just causes almost more division when they're in conflict with each other just yelling and battling. No one's being open-minded, no one's willing to look at the other one's argument, even if it's a really sound argument.
Okay. So you're talking with a friend, they hold a very strong position. And you're not trying to just overturn it right away, like Louder with Crowder. You want to gently guide them towards just starting to think about the alternative viewpoint. So you can say, "Hey, I understand that you have strong feelings about X, Y, Z. I really value our discussions."
No one actually talks like that. You can say, "Hey, I understand that you have really strong feelings about XYZ. Are you willing to be open-minded to hear my side of the story or to hear about XYZ or just to hear me out?" And at that point, as we said before, most people want to be seen as being open-minded, they are willing to let down their guard a little bit. They're not being defensive. All they're doing is agreeing to listening. And that opens up their brain to actually listening, rather than putting up the defensive, putting up a fight, blocking you out for the sake of: you have a different perspective. They're now willing to listen. And that is the first step, first of all, in getting someone to change their mind. Because they might be, as I have been before, so stubborn in their ways that they can't see beyond their initial viewpoint.
I was so stuck in that vent hood that I wanted from a Pinterest picture that I wasn't even willing to look at other options until Josh actually created it for me, and kept pushing it, to the point where I finally realized that it was really pretty and I liked it. Now I can't go back. So, start off conversations like that.
And then you'll be able to present your perspective and just get the tables turning. You don't have to get them to completely change their mind on the spot. A lot of times it takes thinking, but sometimes all it takes is planting that seed for them to take it and start spinning it in their heads. Start thinking about, start researching.
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A lot of times we are so set in our ways that we only look up articles and information based on what we want to see and hear. And we haven't even looked at or considered or viewed the opposite opinion. And when it comes to some of these controversial political, socioeconomic issues, you can often find arguments for both sides that are really strong. Such as vaccinating your children. When I first had my son, who's now six years old, almost, I had a lot of friends that were completely, anti-vax not willing to consider anything else. And they sent me articles that were all about how horrible the vaccines were. And then I had friends whose family members were in healthcare. And who had seen kids go through some hardships and diseases and horrible things that are diseases that should be extinct and can be prevented by some of these vaccines.
So it's like, okay, what side do you take? And who do you listen to when you've got two controversial pieces of advice coming at you? And a lot of times, articles, first of all, you can't believe everything that's on the internet. And then second of all, people can twist facts and data to be in their favor. If you've ever taken a statistics class, you'll see how people take the data and twist it.
So I saw this article recently where there were three countries that were racing in a race. And I believe it was the United States, Russia, and one other country. I forget the other one. Russia took first, United States took second, and the other country took third. And in the newspaper article that Russia put out, they write, "Russia takes first and United States comes in second to last." So while that's technically true, it's also twisting the story in the favor of Russia, making the United States look as bad as possible, even though we technically took second, but it was second out of three. So yeah, we were second to last. But in that case, Russia was third to last.
So people can take one little story or piece of data, write a whole article on it and leaving out facts and information, and twisting things in their favor.
So, anyway, I did not mean for this to go political, but I think it can apply to those arguments. And even with your kids, you can start things off with asking questions that get them to lay their guard down and so that they're willing to open up and to consider your perspective. Rather than coming making accusations, pointing fingers, being stubborn yourself.
I mean, part of this process, if you want others to open up and to change their mind and consider other opinions and directions and decisions, you need to be willing to open up as well. You need to be willing to listen to them just as much as they're willing to listen to you. So it goes both ways. Two way street here.
Now this isn't magic and it's not meant to be manipulative. Because I was just mentioning how statistics can be manipulative. No, instead it's just asking people to be open-minded, to do their research, to look into things further, to let their guard down on what they're standing firm in, and so that they can open up. And they might still stand their ground and that's okay. At least you have helped them to consider other perspectives.
And the other thing, as Christians, that I think we can use this for is just helping people to open up to the idea of God and what's biblical. So if you're talking with someone who is very stubborn and set in their beliefs, and you want them to just open up to the idea of God, start researching thinking about truth. I mean for me, I think it takes more faith to be an atheist and believe that everything came from nothing, than to believe that everything came from someone with a purpose and some thing that is God.
And, you know, you look at, we were at an aquarium recently and there's this leopard stingray that has the exact patterning of an actual leopard on land. And it's like, how does that happen outside of a creator? Because they would have never come in contact with each other for even their mind, if that's how evolution really works, that they see something like, oh, that looks like good camouflage, let me try that myself. That wouldn't happen. And they even say that when there are genetic changes and mutations, it's usually just a mistake, a flaw. It's not out of necessity for an environmental factor. It's like humans didn't just grow eyelashes because, oh, we're getting dust in our eyes. No, that was part of God's creation. So if you want people to open up to the thought and idea of God and creation and the creator, this is a great way to help get their tables turning and help get them considering God. And starting to just look into what's truth and look into the other perspective.
So I think that wraps things up. This was my shortest episode yet. I'm probably going to have more short episodes throughout the summer because I'm losing my main childcare this summer. And while I could hire a babysitter to watch my kids for longer so I can work more, I don't want to work more. I want to be able to go to the beach with my kids, take them to fun, play dates, take them to the pool.
We also have swim lessons coming up and might still do TaeKwonDo with my older son. So I want some margin. And want to be able to pour into my kids during this time. And I might even cut back to episodes every other week instead of every week, or just promoting a little less. So just bear with me as I cut back a little this summer, and I hope you're able to as well, whether or not you have kids, enjoy the summertime. Enjoy some adventures or just relaxing. So, I would love to know what you thought about this episode.
I know I like to get a little psychology nerdy here and there, especially my first few episodes were a little more heavy on the psychology side of things, but I love it. And I think it is super helpful to be able to understand the human brain in order to help make decisions and help others to make decisions and be open-minded. So let me know what you think.
Tag me on Instagram, or send me a message there @anchoreddecisions.
Have a great week.
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See you next week for another episode.