7 Steps to Stop People-Pleasing and Make Decisions That Reflect Your Values

"Wow, you’re just like the assistant from The Devil Wears Prada,” my boss, a ruthless CEO, titled me after I’d executed a seemingly impossible task. I laughed inwardly… I’d dubbed that season The Devil Wears Nike (he was into soccer, not fashion). My days were a whirlwind of constant stress, juggling not only his professional demands, but his personal ones as well — all the while planning my wedding and trying to keep up with my own personal life.  

My boss asked a lot of me—it came with the job. But there was one “yes” I gave into that I’d later regret. I wanted to be the ultimate assistant, the one who could handle it all. Saying no felt like a weakness, like admitting I wasn’t capable. I feared disappointing him. So, when he pressured me to join the committee for the area’s largest fundraiser—an event with potential investors and the political elite—I agreed, against my better judgement.

Looking back, I should have politely declined. I was barely keeping my head above water, already stretched to my limit. Yet, somehow, I convinced myself I could handle one more responsibility.

While I somehow pulled things off for the event, it wasn’t my best work. Rather than making myself look strong and capable, I felt vastly mediocre. Additionally, my proficiency at work suffered as I was stretched thin and exhausted. It was far from the win I’d been aiming for in my boss’s eyes. 

Who are you making decisions for?

When it comes to making decisions, who are you really choosing for? Do you make choices based on what’s best for you, or do you give in to the pressure to please others?

We often experience more regret from decisions made to satisfy others. These choices can conflict with our personal values, desires, and boundaries, leading to feelings of resentment, guilt, and frustration—especially when the outcomes aren’t what we hoped for.

We take that higher-paying (but higher-stress) job because our spouse wants us to, only to end up burned out. We follow the “safe” career path our parents pushed us toward, leaving us feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from our true passions. We overcommit to volunteer roles out of guilt, stretching ourselves thin and exhausted. We spend beyond our means just to keep up with others, leading to debt and financial stress. We compromise our values to fit in, only to be weighed down by guilt.

When we make decisions based on our values, desires, and goals, we create a path that leads to greater fulfillment and motivation. We take ownership of our choices, boosting our confidence and building self-trust, even when things don’t go as planned. By aligning our decisions with what truly matters and setting clear boundaries, we stay committed, protect our time and energy, and reduce stress—ultimately leading to long-term satisfaction and more joy in our lives.

Learning to make decisions for yourself

If you’re a people-pleaser, making decisions for yourself will be a struggle — at first. But once you release the pressure to constantly meet others' expectations and commit to what’s truly best for you and your family, you’ll discover the freedom and satisfaction of making choices that align with your values.

This doesn’t mean becoming selfish or noncommittal, but rather learning to prioritize your well-being without guilt. When you make decisions for yourself, you empower yourself to set healthy boundaries, stay true to your desires, and build a life that reflects your authentic needs. Over time, you’ll experience the peace and confidence that come from trusting yourself and knowing that your choices are rooted in what truly matters to you and your loved ones.

How to make decisions for yourself

Want to make decisions that align with your needs and values, without succumbing to pressure from others? Here are 7 steps to help you take control of your choices. 

1. Clarify Your Values and Priorities:

You must know what you stand for in order to take a stand. Clarify your values, goals, and desires—then prioritize them in case you face conflicting priorities. You might value an array of things — family, faith, finances, mental health — but what happens when two of those clash? For example, if your out-of-state mother suddenly needs 24-hour care, knowing your priorities allows you to find a solution that fits your values. Set your foundation and priorities now, so you’ll be ready to face the decision when it comes.

Psst… want some help setting your decision foundation? Download my FREE Decision Compass — a quick, printable workbook with reflection questions meant to clarify your values and priorities. 

2. Run it Through the 5 Impact Areas

Evaluate decisions through five key life areas: relational, physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual. A decision may fulfill one or two areas but fall short in others. For example, taking on a second job might benefit you financially and physically, but if it damages your relationship with your spouse and causes emotional strain, it might not be worth pursuing.

3. Set Boundaries

Establishing boundaries ahead of time makes it easier to protect your time and energy. If you’ve agreed to a set number of volunteer hours or a strict budget, it’s easier to assess whether new opportunities align with your limits. This allows you to say no confidently and without guilt, or say yes without questioning your capacity. 

4. Get Creative

Think outside the box for solutions that allow you to stick to your boundaries while still meeting others' needs. For example, instead of moving states to care for your mom, consider relocating across town to a house with a mother-in-law suite, funding a 24-hour nurse, or rotating care with siblings. You could also contribute to a fundraiser event by offering setup help the day of, donating a product or service for auction, or promoting it on social media, without the bigger commitment of to joining the planning team. Using AI chat bots, like Chat GPT, can be great for helping you brainstorm alternative options.

5. Take Your Time with Decisions

Don’t feel pressured to decide on the spot. Let people know you need time to consider the decision, ensuring you don’t overcommit. If you need to say no, be straightforward and timely. A simple “I’ve reviewed my schedule and don’t have the capacity” or “I’ve discussed it with my family, and it’s not the right fit right now” is all it takes. 

6. Put into Practice

The more you practice making decisions for yourself, the better you’ll get at it. Each decision helps build your confidence and strengthens your ability to set healthy boundaries. Over time, you’ll experience greater peace, knowing your choices reflect your true desires and needs.

7. Don’t Worry About Pleasing People

You can’t please everyone. Understand that some decisions may upset others or even strain relationships. If you’re prioritizing what’s best for you and your family, accept that some people may not understand. People make judgements off their own perspective based on their personal background and values. It’s okay to express that your capacity or priorities differ from theirs. Once again, AI chat bots can help you craft a well-written response to those who might be less understanding.

Making decisions for yourself is a powerful skill that can lead to greater fulfillment and peace. By clarifying your values, setting boundaries, and considering the impact of your choices, you can make decisions that align with your true needs and desires. Though it may be difficult at first, especially if you're used to pleasing others, the more you practice, the more confident you'll become in trusting your instincts. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being — and the more you honor that, the more you’ll experience the joy and freedom that comes with making decisions that are truly your own.