4 Steps to Stop Overthinking and Develop a Productive, Positive Thought Life
Ever toss and turn at night running a scene through your head? You might be replaying a situation you wish you’d handled different… or maybe you’re imagining how an upcoming difficult circumstance might play out?
Perhaps you’re the type to keep things in your virtual shopping cart for days as you either search for a better option or are just hesitant to commit?
Or you run these phrases through your head on repeat:
If only...
What will happen if…
I can’t believe I...
I’m a failure because…
I should have…
If you resonate with any of the above, you’re probably an overthinker.
As I shared in my last post, overthinking might not be the worst trait to have, but it sure is wasteful — and in probably more ways than you realize!
If you’re ready to overcome overthinking, this is the post for you.
1. Identify your reasons for overthinking
The next time you catch yourself overthinking, stop to think about why… then ask why again. Peel back the layers and what might be triggering it.
Could you be overthinking because of…
PERFECTIONISM
When — not if — you find yourself struggling with perfectionism, ask why perfection matters. Are you trying to please someone, have you set high expectations for yourself, did your parents accept nothing but top performance, have you disappointed someone (or yourself) by failing to reach their standards? What’s really beneath your desire to be perfect?
To answer that, you first need to consider what perfection really looks like… I mean, unless you’re taking a graded test with objective, factual answers, “perfection” is in the eye of the beholder… and you’re usually your biggest critic (and honestly, sometimes the only one who actually cares).
FEAR AND ANXIETY
Could anxiety or fear be to blame?
Fear of judgement.
Fear of disappointing yourself or others.
Fear of making the wrong decision.
Fear of missing out.
Fear of the worst case scenario.
There are so many things to feel anxious about — it’s a very understandable reason for overthinking. But once again, peel back the layers. Why are you anxious about others’ judgements? Why do you fear making the wrong choice?
PHYSICAL WELLNESS
If you’ve ever been to Disney World, you’ve probably noticed that the number of child tantrums, melt downs, and unruly requests significantly increase the later it gets. By 4pm, kids are hot, tired, hungry, overstimulated, outsugared, and out of their usual routine. There’s no reasoning with a child in this state!
While most adults won’t melt down on the ground or throw a tantrum, we do tend to overthink more when we’re not physically or mentally well.
Could your health, wellness, physical activity, diet — or lack thereof — be impacting your decision-making? Obviously yes, but sometimes we just don’t realize that’s the cause of our overthinking.
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACTS
What extenuating circumstances could be affecting your thinking? Perhaps your roommate is driving you crazy, a loved one is battling cancer or you were recently laid off and finances are tight. These factors have a major impact on your ability to think clearly and make decisions (as well as add to your fear and anxiety).
SPIRITUAL WELLBEING
How is your spiritual life? You could be “doing all the right things” when it comes to religion (going to church, reading your Bible, praying), but are you actually connecting with God? Take a good look at your spiritual life and be sure you’re not just going through the motions but actually in relationship with God — seeking Him daily, trusting in His ways, talking with Him in prayer and waiting or listening for his still small voice to respond.
If you’re not right spiritually, you could be operating out of your own strength and direction.
2. Conduct a reality check
Now that you’ve uncovered some of your reasons for overthinking, it’s time to put them through a reality check.
Dealing with perfectionism? Think about what’s “good enough” and let that actually be good enough!! Choose something and go with it, especially if the one setting these high standards is none other than YOU!
Overthinking out of fear? Are your fears actually justified or are they a figment of your imagination? What’s actually true vs what’s hypothetical? According to a study by Cornell University, 85% of what you worry about never comes to fruition. And of the 15% that does occur, 79% of the time people handled it better than they expected. So, most fears can honestly just be thrown out the window… with quite a bit of willpower, of course. But if your fears are truly rational, come up with a plan for how to conquer them, rather than staying stuck.
Are you physically, mentally, or spiritually in a good state to be making a decision? If you’re hungry, tired, overwhelmed, PMSing (sorry, ladies, but those hormones can totally affect your ability to think clear and logical), haven’t prayed (or listened) to God, or are dealing with other physical/mental stressors, you might need to set this decision aside until you’re in a better state!
UNHEALTHY THOUGHT PATTERNS
Often, we fall into patterns of unhealthy, unrealistic, thought patterns. These can cause a variety of false or negative thinking, including:
Extreme thinking — you judge things with an all-or-nothing viewpoint, without looking for the middle ground. You call yourself a complete failure for trivial things like burning toast, losing it with your kids, or hitting a curb.
Worst-case scenario — thinking the worst about yourself or your situation, often “going down the rabbit hole” of worst-case scenarios that build on each other until you’ve reached complete doom in your mind.
Overgeneralizing — you draw conclusions without hard or full evidence, perhaps thinking that what happened to one person or situation is sure to happen every time.
Personalization — feeling fully responsible and taking the blame for the outcome of a bad situation, or feeling something was specifically directed at you.
Running these thoughts through a fact or reality check can help you shut down any false or unverified thoughts.
3. Pray and learn to recognize God’s voice and will
As a Christian, one major step to overcoming overthinking is to establish a strong relationship with God so you can be led by Him. Would you rather trust your human instincts or be guided by the all-knowing, omniscient creator?
Jesus calls himself the good shepherd and says his sheep follow him because they know his voice (John 10). Jesus’s audience would understand that metaphor well. Often, multiple shepherds would take refuge together. When it came time to separate, the shepherds would call out to their sheep and their sheep would follow them because they could distinguish their shepherd’s voice from all of the others.
The closer you are to God, the more you’ll be in touch with his guidance. Does this mean God will blatantly tell you which option to choose every time? No. In fact, hearing from him will likely be the exception not the norm. But, as stated in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Emphasis mine).
Get to know the Good Shepherd on a personal level. The better you know Him, the easier it will be to distinguish his voice and choose the right path. The more you place your trust in Him, you’ll be able to release the things keeping you stuck in a pattern of overthinking.
4. Designate a time and place to work through your THOUGHTS
Those who are well-versed in overthinking know the agony of wrestling with stressful thoughts through the night, while sitting in meetings, while driving, and especially in the shower. It’s incredibly distracting and hardly ever productive. I mean, have you ever actually made a confident decision while lying in bed at 3am? No! Instead you just cycle into more anxiety wondering how you’re going to function the next day if you can’t fall asleep.
You need a designated time, place and structure for working through your decision.
THE WHEN AND WHERE
Block out time on your calendar for daily or weekly decision-making and/or journaling, preferably somewhere conducive of clear thinking (ahem, not at the breakfast table while your toddlers run rampant around you). Schedule it in so you’re more likely to actually carve out time for it.
Train yourself to only work through your decisions or “think” during your designated thinking hour. Otherwise, shut. it. down. But what if inspiration strikes outside of that time? What if I have an aha moment in the shower or while talking with a friend? I might forget my train of thought if I shut my thoughts down. Those are valid questions, but here’s how to handle them… get them out of your head and documented somewhere — write them on paper, create a note in your phone, record a voice memo… whatever it takes to get your ideas written down so you can then say, “OK, brain, it’s no longer your time to think about this. We’ll revisit it at the proper time and place.” And then you move on… go back to sleep… keep about your day. It’ll be hard at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will be to stop your wheels from turning.
THE HOW
For overthinking on general mindset things, like how you yelled at your kids earlier, or what to text back to that friend you’ve been ignoring, journaling can be a really powerful way to get your thoughts out of your head. Just make sure you go through the fact-checking from above so you’re not blowing things out of proportion or working from distorted truth.
For overthinking on decisions, go through my signature decision-making framework, the SAIL Method. It works great for small or big decisions:
SELF-AWARENESS
Dive deep into your underlying goals and desires, for the present and future, so you have a solid foundation to base your decision off of.
IMPACT
Evaluate the impacts of each option in 5 key areas of your life: physical, mental, financial, relational, and spiritual.
LITMUS TEST
The final litmus test looks at the most important factors to base your decision upon so you can rank the final decision on your highest priorities.
If you need help going through the SAIL Method, grab my general decision guide for those big decisions that require a bit of soul-searching, or my decision-making scorecard for decisions you’ve already done the deeper work on.